The Storm Before the Calm

It is one of those days at work. I wasn’t close to the breaking point yet, or am I? I wasn’t the one that cried either, but one of my regular clients was. She had a wild dream. In this age and time, things are going crazed. You never know what’s going to happen next. Hence, even just a wicked mental image intensifies your senses when you wake up, especially when the bad dream involved your children. 
Whenever I have those nightmares, I rise and call my parents ASAP. Hearing their voices calm me down considerably, but the sufferings and the graphic revelations still hit you like a truck. And all those leftover emotions remain throughout the day. 

It’s okay to cry

So when I see her starting to sniff, I know she was crying or trying to stop crying. Do you know the science behind sniffing? Passageways are running from your eyelids to your nose. So you sniff to stop the running nose, but it’s also a giveaway to tell one is crying. 

In the back of my mind, I was struggling so hard. I don’t know if it’s fitting to offer my client some tissues, or it’ll make it worse? Should I stop what I’m doing and give her some space? Would she feel abandoned? Then what should I do? 
At that point, I don’t know what I should do or shouldn’t that will make the situation better. So I keep on doing my job and pretend as nothing has happened. 

But in the corner of my eyes, the excess tears just want to flow freely and run down my cheeks. I told myself, “Quick! Think of something funny or remotely stupid enough to prevent the flow of tears!” 
When you confide in someone, all you wanted is for the person to understand what you’re going through, laugh with you, and cry with you. Sometimes, you don’t even need to say the words; some characters would still apprehend your situation. 

It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing; as long as you’re reminded of the nightmare, it brings you closer to tear. I’ve been there done that. At those times, I only wish I had someone to hold me tight and tell me, “It’s okay. Everything will be okay, and this too shall pass.” 

That’s what I exactly did to my client, and that I wish someone had done it to me before. I asked if I could hug her and told her everything would be okay. 
Because believe it or not, you may look at this distress differently tomorrow. You may have a new dream, even a wet one, or not. But for now, just let your breaking point play out its role and let those tears drop. It’ll be a better day when you wake up. 

My breaking point

I’ve been so stressed the past weeks. I’ll visit a friend I haven’t seen for seven years. It is stressful because I feel like she would have so many expectations that I may not fit in with what she has in mind. It’s been so long I can’t describe the feeling and the bag of emotions I have right now. 

The last time we met, we were at the airport in Vietnam. Her parents and I were waving at her, saying goodbye. She decided to stop being a flight attendant and flew to her boyfriend because she just had enough. 
At that time, it felt like it would be the last time we’d ever meet one another. I also had a girlfriend in the US, but my paperwork was still being sorted out. I don’t know if I’d make it or not. 

My friend was in a bad place; I wasn’t. Now the role is reversed; I’m in a sticky situation; she’s not. She’s just got engaged, and I’m super happy for her and who she has become. It’s a long way from home, and there are so many changes. So when my co-workers decided to go to Sin City, she was the first thing that comes to mind. 

It’s hard to pinpoint what kind of best friends we are because we support one another without questions asked; we haven’t been that much in touch since the last time we met in person. Versus back home, we’d go out almost every other day or daily. When I was tired and lazy, she’d call my mom and ask if I could go. Then my mom would persuade me. Girls always have their ways, don’t they? 
Heck, I was even amazed that she was thrilled with my upcoming trip to her city to congratulate the couple. I guess we’ve just been through so much that 7 years feels like 21 years. 

The thing is, she’d be out of town on my arrival. So I’d detour to New Orleans, and I haven’t been traveling alone for a very long time. I would travel every year, but after many incidents, I just stopped. I am now a certified homebody. 
My anxiety kicks in so bad, especially after too much Asian hate recently. I didn’t feel safe going about, let alone traveling unaccompanied, which I haven’t in ages. I didn’t even feel safe being an Asian, if it makes sense. 

I often tell myself I’m a cake that has White fillings but an Asian yellow-brown exterior. I act differently from my Asian peers, and I had a tough time fitting in the mold when I grew up. 
I know my friend won’t judge me for who I have become, but I may shatter the classic image she always has about me, and it’ll be saddening for both of us. 

I’ve going to work already stressed out, go home, and keep on stressing as the traveling day is closer and closer. I need to buy all sorts of things as I haven’t prepped or been ready to travel any time soon. 
It’s okay; I admit that I stress shopping. So there’s that. We all have some coping mechanisms. But I’m on edge. If someone pokes me, my heart will sink, and I’ll tear up inside. I haven’t broken down yet, but I’m just a few centimeters off the breaking point.
Six more days.